Chapter 8: Lady of Contentment
- The Torture of Desire
It has been said that suffering is having what you do not want (singleness) and wanting what you do not have (a husband). As a single woman, you’d probably scream “amen” to such a description of suffering. You know what is it like to get up each day, knowing that you do not have what you want – a husband. How do you cope with such a longing?
Longing for what you do not have is a universal condition. It is not limited to singles. It is true that the longing for a husband can be satisfied on your wedding day, but that longing is soon replaced by desires and expectations about the marriage relationship that may not be satisfied in a thousand lifetimes. If you are presently discontented as a single woman, you can count on being dissatisfied as a married woman in the future.
- Capacity To Wait
Circumstantially, Ruth had the perfect excuse to be discontented. Widowed at a young age, her circumstances provided the perfect breeding ground for self-pity and bitterness. Yet Ruth chose to cling to the God of Israel, whom she found to be trustworthy, even in difficult circumstances.
Contentedly facing each day’s task, Ruth received the attention and blessing of the most eligible bachelor in town. Then Naomi told her that Boaz was a candidate for being their kinsman-redeemer (see the levirate law in Deut 25 : 5-10). This simply means that the Mosaic Law allowed Boaz, as the closest kin, to redeem the childless widow and keep the family name alive. The law could even require that Boaz marry Ruth. Can you imagine the most eligible bachelor saying to you, “The law requires I marry you before your 13th birthday?”
Naomi instructs Ruth to approach Boaz and ask him if he would be their kinsman-redeemer. This episode is covered in chapter 3 of the Book of Ruth. Boaz’s response, “And now, my daughter, don’t be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character” (Ruth 3:11) Can you imagine any man saying to you, “I will do for you all you ask”?
- Ditches of Discontentment
Being single can be difficult enuff for a woman, but the heartbreak from being “led on” by a man can dangerously lead to a ditch of discontentment. Some women are so emotionally scarred from falling into such a ditch that it literally takes them years to recover and rediscover the capacity to trust any male in their life.
Why some males are unaware of their capacity to defraud is still a mystery. “And that no man transgresses and defrauds his brother [sister] in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things…” (1 Thess 4:6). To defraud is to excite physical or emotional desires that cannot be righteously fulfilled. Since many men do not realize how their actions defraud their sisters in Christ, single women need to be aware of common situations where a guy might lead a woman on.
One way a guy may lead a woman on is by the unwise things he may say or do. A wonderful single guy started a letter one day with the words Dear Sunshine. When asked who this “Dear Sunshine” was, he said it was his nickname for a girl at college. He came up with this affectionate nickname for her one evening when they stood on a hill overlooking the school as the sun was setting. When asked if they were dating he replied, “Oh no, we are just friends and there isn’t any future for our relationship.” He was encouraged to stop calling her Sunshine because it would defraud her emotionally.
Another way a guy may defraud a woman is by emphasizing the future potential of the relationship rather than focusing on the present opportunities for the friendship to grow. This way of defrauding incites feelings in a woman that cannot be properly fulfilled at that time. Do not encourage talk of things that “might be,” but rather encourage words and actions that develop the present friendship.
- The Eleventh Commandment
Keeping in mind these common ways that women can be defrauded by men, realize that a woman can sabotage her own contentment by defrauding herself. Protect your contentment by adopting this “Eleventh Commandment”: Thou shall not defraud thyself.
Women defraud themselves by confusing ministry with matrimony. A guy tries to help a girl grow spiritually, and she sees his care and interest as leading inevitably to marriage. Misread intentions between males and females put them on a collision course. The crash can be avoided if the Lady of Contentment would keep in mind that her emotions must be submitted to the fact: ministering together is a privilege as a believer, not an automatic marriage opportunity. A most innocent gesture can produce the most elaborate fantasy. A man sends a single woman a thank you card for her vital help n some project or ministry. What is her response to this kind of gesture? She laminates the card, anticipates a future with him, and allows her expectations to run rampant.
To heed the Eleventh Commandment, you must consciously resist doing another good deed for a man in your life until you know the motive behind your “unselfish” gesture. How many ministries have you participated in because of the chance to be seen by him? How many times have you volunteered to help a brother when you knew you would not be so willing to help a sister in Christ?
A dedicated Christian should do good deeds, but when you limit your service to the men in your group, it will ultimately backfire. You can end up feeling bruised by your own self-defrauding when you realize the man has taken your gesture of service for granted.
- Spiritual Monitor
When a friend excitedly calls you to tell you about the evening she has just spent with a special man, you often know before she gets two paragraphs into her telling of the evening where she is going – fantasy land. To help her monitor her reactions, point out that one long distant phone call from a male friend is not reason enuff to take him home to meet her parents. Encourage your friend instead, to wait until she see how the friendship develops.
How can you be a spiritual monitor? The next time a friend is bubbling over with joy after a date with a wonderful guy, pray for your capacity to share her joy; then pray for the courage to speak the truth about surrendering her dreams to the Lord and not running ahead of Him in her expectations. The spiritual monitor knows the importance of surrendering her own expectations to the only One who can be trusted with her desires and dreams.
- The Mystery of Contentment
Whether married or single, in prison or shopping at the mall, the key to your enjoying this moment deals with your inner contentment. When your happiness in life is based on “your terms,” it is a terrible limitation that will result in a hollow gladness.
Whether married or single, one must learn that it is Jesus who strengthens you to walk in the most dismal or delightful of circumstances. Your classroom for learning is your daily life. Every shattered dream or unfulfilled expectation serves as a perfect opportunity to learn contentment. These circumstances are your classroom assignments for learning the mystery of contentment, which requires complete dependence on Jesus.
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