Celebrating 10 years!!!

Yesterday marked our first decade. Celebrating 10 years of friendship with someone who has been one of my best buddies since ages ago. Someone whom I can count on to pull me up when I am down, cheer me up when I am emo-ing, hear me out when I just feel like crapping.

How did you manage to be such good friends with someone from the opposite gender? Younger than you pulak tu? You want to know how? Transparency is the answer. There is no hindrance to us chatting about anything. Waiting for our makan session tomorrow, hehe.

Sai lo, thanks for everything!! Blessed 10th year!! I pray that you will always be blessed inside out with His richest blessings. May your wishes & dreams come true in His perfect timing. Don’t forget to spill any and all good news to me, wahaha xP See you tomorrow.

Disappointments…

If it has been my passion, why is it dying? If it has been what I aspired to do as a ministry, why is it fading? Am I disappointed with situations or life itself? No denying my failures in my job. I am no parent, therefore no experience. I am no certified teacher, therefore no hands-on.

“Spare the rod, spoil the child” What, then, is expected of me? A teacher? A mother? All in one? Don’t expect to throw your child to the teacher, and let her do all the disciplining when all the parent does is spoil him by not spanking him when a mistake is done. Time is the factor. Have you got enough time for the kiddos in your hands? If I am in the liberty, all I want to do is spank them hard! All I want to do is whack them out of their skins to make them realize how irritating it has been.

Disappointments stay with the fact that expectations are piling, and responsibilities are mounting. Yet achievements are out of discussion. To top that up with a troubling medical condition, I am hoping I won’t go into a fit, haha.

Guidelines…

SERMON TOPIC: THE ALIGNMENT SERIES X: Alignment With God’s Plan – God honoring Courtship

7 Principles of God-Honoring Courtship

1. Seek council first before going steady (Proverbs 15:22) ~~ Let the mind lead, not the heart.

2. Do not be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14) ~~ A good result from a wrong decision does not make the decision right.

3. A period of truly knowing and appreciating each other better
- dreams, visions and goals
- beliefs, convictions and values
- likes & dislikes, preferences & differences
- expectations (roles & responsibilities)
- motivations & morals
- heritage & legacies (“this is what I remember about him/her”)

4. A serious period to prepare for marriage (Malachi 2:14-16)

5. Put God first in the relationship (Proverbs 19:21, 15:33)
- Cultivate a fear of God

6. The importance of the Christian community (Hebrews 10:25)

7. Seek to build healthy and wholesome relationship (1 Thess 4:3-7)
- “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, think about such things. If anything is exellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

Thanks for sharing, Grace :D

Dream Job...

A few weeks ago, we played an ice breaker for WELCOME session. “Share with us your dream job or a career that you wished you had or wanted to do.” A variety of dream jobs to select from, and mine was to be a counselor. Such a job suited me, a person who doesnt really love to talk much. Even when around people, I would more often be found listening than joining in the conversations.

Yesterday, the counselor in me had a chance to prove itself. One of my students showed excitement when talikng about his mother. Little did he know that it will stir up emotions of my dear 宝仪. Having been her teacher and friend for exactly 9 months now, I knew that the one thing she is most emotional about is her mother. Every time this scene takes place, I will be nervous inside for I am not sure of what I should really do.

All I could do was just hug her and let her cry. I am in no position to counsel her in this area because I am not in her shoes. From the classroom to the “car park”. There is nothing I can do, but every time such things happen, I am moved to say a prayer for her. That is all I can do. Yes, my dream job (next to a newscaster) is to be a cxxxxxxxr. Actually this reminds me of the times 宝仪 also did her share in being my listener. When I had the “issue”, she was my faithful friend. I wasnt asking for much, all I wanted was someone to listen to my craps back in January through May. Though she may be a very young teenager, she understood my dilemma, and was concern for all that I was going through. 宝仪，谢谢你在我需要支持的时候，都一直在我身边!

Little did I know that on the same night, Wai Ling suddenly buzzed me on msn asking me to call her. I didn’t know that she was going through all that she was going through. But here again, she was sharing her heart. Haha. Don’t know why, very lately, ever since Andrew played the ice breaker in cell, I feel the tugging and nudging to research counseling courses. Is it something I am supposed to pray about? What say You, Lord? Dream? Fantasy? Assumptions? Escapes?

Addition: As of 20:17:47, I got a call from him. I could not help shivering with excitement and nervousness at the same time. It is something I should be praying hard about and acting fast (if it ever was the Lord’s will)

1 + 1 = 2 new souls in heaven...

Within one week, 2 souls were added into the kingdom of God... The Bible says that when

幸福靠自己争取。。

今天，“爱的路上，你和我”，一开头，秀贞姐就说这一句了。。我非常同意！！幸福靠自己争取！整个节目里，虽然我在听他们2位的对话，可是我脑里一直重复以上那 7 个字。。我不懂怎样解释我那时候的感受，可是我只知道，我真的很喜欢那 7 个字，哈哈。。

后来，我也写了sms，想发送。。可是一个sms 5 毛钱。。5 毛钱对我来说，可以 send 50 个 sms 了。。所以，还是听话的，不 send 了。。就让它只不过是一个对自己的提醒吧：

“节目刚刚开始，秀贞说了一句‘幸福靠自己争取。’

我很认同！爱情是两个人的事情，最感动就是，男女

都一起面对快乐悲伤。当那一个人在面对困难时，相

信也最渴望的就是在他身边有个人来陪伴着他一起克

服每一个难关！要记住哦，幸福靠自己争取的。美门

的 DJ 们，多多加油吧！” ～ elaine

童话

忘了有多久，再没听到你
对我说你最爱的故事
我想了很久，我开始慌了
是不是我又做错了什么

你哭着对我说，童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂，从你说爱我以后
我的天空星星都亮了

** 我愿变成童话里，你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信，相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

你哭着对我说，童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂，从你说爱我以后
我的天空星星都亮了

** 我愿变成童话里，你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信，相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我要变成童话里，你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信，相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我会变成童话里，你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信，相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

一起写我们的结局。。

月亮代表我的心

你问我爱你有多深，我爱你有几分
我的情也真，我的爱也真
月亮代表我的心

你问我爱你有多深，我爱你有几分
我的情不移，我的爱不变
月亮代表我的心

轻轻的一个吻，已经打动我的心
深深的一段情，教我思念到如今

你问我爱你有多深，我爱你有几分
你去想一想，你去看一看
月亮代表我的心

Don't Let It Die...

I had some free time last Friday as my students had to entertain some uni students doing their assignments, and therefore needed to “borrow” my kids for a while. So I went down to the office and happen to see Chung Han. I caught hold of him and we had a short chat. All I did was just ask him one question… wahaha xP

By him pouring his heart as I listened, he really taught me lots… He really taught me to treasure things of eternal value than to trade it for earthly things… i have to admit that the first half of this year was really a shitty period, and I wished it hadn’t pull me down spiritually… But too bad, it sure did!!

Don’t let it die?? Yea, all I want is to be up again… I wanna be like Chung Han… Wahaha… Dude, thanks for being a friend, I know we don’t chat much but at least I feel comfortable talking, joking and opening up to you… Opening up here means not being afraid to be myself, and that includes the times when I am “behind the van” during lunch time, hehe…

YANG TERUTAMA

Yang terutama di dalam hidup ini
Memuliakan nama Yesus
Yang terutama di dalam hidup ini
Meninggikan nama-Nya

Halleluya, halleluya
Saya mau cinta Yesus
Halleluya, halleluya
Saya mau cinta Yesus

We had J-Son over for a short while for cell that night, and I thought that short while was it. Not knowing that he will call me after that, I was quite nervous when I saw his missed call, haha… I called him back, finding the opportunity to tell him about “something important.” Mission accomplished, of course, haha… Thanks for the support, bro I am hoping this time all is well with the Big Boss Above…

Yes, I was in the valleys for about 4 to 5 months, and trust me, it wasn’t fun at all down there… By God’s grace, I picked myself up… No no, my Jesus picked me up!! He was gracious enough to still be willing to pick me up despite my drawing away from Him… Haiya, anyway, that is history now la… Think back also sakit hati nia, wahaha… Just hope and pray that this time around, history will not repeat itself… Otherwise, not only shouldn’t history repeat itself, even the process should not be repeated, haha…

KAU TUHAN ADALAH BAPAKU

Kumiliki kasih Mu
Yang tak ternilai bagi ku
Meskipun ku tak punya siapapun juga
Sungguh indah kasih Mu Yang tak bersyarat untuk ku
Walaupun tak ada yang mengasihi ku

** Kau Tuhan adalah Bapa ku
Yang sangat menyayangi ku
Tak pernah sekalipun ku dapati
Kau sakiti hatiku
Kau Tuhan adalah Bapa ku
S’lalu memperhatikan ku
Tak ada alasan ‘tuk ku ragu-ragu
Ku serahkan hati ku
Kepada Mu

15条件的男人。。

1. 一个男人最重要的是坚强。 那些失败过一次就怨天尤人，萎靡不振、跌倒了爬不起来的男人坚决不能要。男人要能给女人安全感，如果你找一个老公，不能够照顾你，还要经常在你面前哭诉自己的不幸，让你也承担他实际上是可以挽救的痛苦，是非常的失败的。

2. 忠诚。这点就不用多说了，相信所有的女人都不愿意自己的老公红杏出墙。

3. 有气度。一定不能找小家子气的男人，即使他爱你。但是因为一点点小事就吃醋，不论你是因公与上司出去应酬，还是因私与多年不久的朋友聚会，在你回家后大吵大闹或者阴沉着脸半天不搭理你的男人，其实是自私的。当然，他会说他那是因为爱你才吃醋，可是不要忘了，爱一个人也要给她自由，姐妹们千万不要做被男人用各种方法把你变相的留在家里做只能洗衣做饭的家庭主妇。不是说家庭主妇不好，而是做为现在这个社会的女性，要有自己的社交圈子，要爱猫扑.爱生活、自强，不能给自己自由空间的男人千万不要找。

4. 身体健康。不要求那个男的有多么的威猛高大，但一定要身体健健康康的。一个女人身体有点毛病，可以称之为弱不禁风，如果一个男人整天病怏怏的，你说像啥话?

5. 不要xxxxxx乖宝宝。没人说孝顺不对，孝顺的男人很善良，但是，夫妻之间的事都征求xxxxxx看法，毫无自己主见，嘴巴里动不动就说："妈妈说。。。。。。。妈妈说。。。。。。"这样的妈妈面前的乖宝宝坚决不能要，记住，你嫁的是一个男人，并不是那个男人的母亲。

6. 爱屋及乌。一个男人如果真的爱你，会爱你的一切，包括你的坏习惯，你的朋友，你的家人。。。。。如果他不能忍受你的朋友或家人某些方面的缺陷或对你身边的人有所不满，那么做为一个聪明的女性，应当尽量避免他与他们见面；如果他苛求到要求你与他们断绝来往，不用犹豫了，甩了他吧！

7. 有一份稳定的收入。爱情是很重要的，但是要建立在有面包的基础上。不一定要万贯家财，可生活要有保障。所谓贫贱夫妻百事哀，如果一个男人连孩子的奶粉钱都拿不出来，这个月初就开始担心下个月的供房款，那么，你跟着他只有吃苦的份了。

8. 自信。浑身散发着自信味道的男人，能让女人放心的依靠。

9. 外貌匹配。不要求他一定英俊潇洒，但要看上去不至于引起公愤，总不能你亭亭玉立一大美女，身边找一矮个的黑胖子吧。

10. 细心又有情趣。他可以不记得你大伯小叔三姑四姨的生日，但你的生日与结婚纪念日一定要记住，这两个日子在婚姻生活中是很重要的。能够出去浪漫一下，还有礼物收是最好的。　

11. 无不良嗜好。烟可以抽一点，酒可以喝一点，但不能太过。你总不想天天回去面对一个醉醺醺的酒鬼，嘴里还不时散发着一股浓浓的烟臭味的人吧?

12. 社交能力强。不是说一定要活跃得见人就笑，见手就握得那种地步，也不需要他在社交方面有一定强硬的手腕，但不能羞羞答答。一起出去应酬，他只知道站在一旁傻笑，而找不到话题与你的同事交谈，凡事需要你出来撑场面的男人，会让你脸面无光。

13. 大男人气概。这里说的大男人气概，不是说大男子主义，那种在家里典型家务一点不做、衣来伸手饭来张口的男人不可取。大男人气概是指你在外面受到欺负时，他能够挺身而出，毫不犹豫的为你出头，真真切切的保护你。光是这一点，这个男人都值得你考虑托付终身。

14. 有责任心。男人一定要有责任心，自己做的事要敢于自己承担，无论是公事还是私事。那种一有事就往别人身上推的男人不但卑鄙而且可耻。

15. 有一颗平和的心。这个世界已经习惯以一个人事业上的成功来衡量一个人的价值。事实上，一个人的价值在于他的存在对别人是否重要。即使那个人不能在事业上取得与其他人一样辉煌的成就，但是他的平凡生活对他身边的人一样很重要就代表有价值。如果一个男人不能以一颗平和的心去看待自己的得失，整天愤世嫉俗，怪社会不公、怨生活不平，那么你和他在一起也会影响你的心态，容易偏激，给你的心理造成巨大的压力，导致你不快乐的生活。

能够做到以上15条的男人，你就可以考虑嫁给他了！！！

Is Cerebral Palsy (CP) genetic? 脑性麻痹症是否会遗传？

It never did cross my mind that this may be a subject playing in the mind of a potential, if we ever got together, and plan to start a life together. I was recently confronted with whether CP is genetic, and will eventually affect our future children, if I were ever to start a family, haha. I guess people think that this may be a very sensitive issue, and perhaps did not wanna hurt me by posing such questions.

I don’t think it is an issue to be worried about because I was not born with it. It only happened after a fever attack. To give you the benefit of the doubt, particularly on the genetic question, see this. Does it clear your doubts now? ;)

Also, view the history of CP, the causes of CP, and the various types of CP for further knowledge. So,朋友们。。 终于清楚CP的情况了吗？ 终于明白CP是不会遗传的吗？哈哈哈。。当我听到一位朋友说CP遗传， 这真的笑死我了。。 哈哈哈。。

AS BREAD THAT IS (REALLY) BROKEN...

Haven’t been a faithful believer like people see me to be. Revival? What’s the use of being gungho for church revival when all I really desperately need is personal revival first? When this song was being sung in church about 2 weeks ago, I couldn’t help it but dig for tissue again. How broken can I get? How hurt can I get? Though it was not, is not, and will not be a “burden”, yet it has indeed been a “burden” that I have no choice but to finally put down.

Why am I so broken? Why the sudden deterioration of communication? Why the unwillingness of trying to accept unchangeable facts? I know I am awaiting the day that I will explode, haha. I am human, for goodness sake!! When, O Lord, will all these hurts end? When, O Lord, will justice be shown? Why, O Lord, do I need to go through all these shit?

As Bread That Is Broken

O Lord, this wounded sheep of Yours
I need your healing touch

握你的手。。。

山顶的风凉的想钻进我内心
Shan ding de feng liang de xiang zuan jin wo nei xin
沉默是我们最近唯一的话题
Chen mo shi wo men zui jin wei yi de hua ti
看曾经亲密的爱慢慢像友谊
Kan ceng jing qin mi de ai man man xiang you yi
爱是流星一坠落就不停
Ai shi liu xing yi zhui luo jiu bu ting

我们尝试让彼此差异能隐形
Wo men chang shi rang bi ci cha yi neng yin xing
遗憾的是回避不能解决问题
Yi han de shi hui bi bu neng jie jue wen ti
当我疲倦的凝望你憔悴表情
Dang wo pi juan de ning wang ni qiao cui biao qing
再不舍得也该让你远离
Zai bu she de ye gai rang ni yuan li

握你的手坚持到最后一秒钟
Wo ni de shou jian chi dao zui hou yi miao zhong
哪怕爱要冰凉了
Na pa ai yao bing liang le
至少让回忆是暖的
Zhi shao rang hui yi shi nuan de
了解比爱难多了
Liao jie bi ai nan duo le
我们都尽力了
Wo men dou jin li le
也许温柔是停止(再)挽留
Ye xu wen rou shi ting zhi (zai) wan liu

握你的手像耳语轻声说保重
Wo ni de shou xiang er yu qing sheng shuo bao zhong
让眼睛就算湿了不只是痛也有感动
Rang yan jing jiu suan shi le bu zhi shi tong ye you gan dong
以前每一次挥手都为了再握手
Yi qian mei yi ci hui shou dou wei le zai wo shou
但这一次是为了放手
Dan zhe yi ci shi wei le fang shou

你们开心了吗？ 别再让他再受伤了， 好不好？ 他也是人耶！！

这首歌，我不懂是好还是坏。。很久以前， 我妹妹把光良的album带回来。。 那时候， 我最爱的歌， 就是“童话” 和 “握你的手”。。 我这个“香蕉人”， 歌词什么意思， 我也不懂的。。 可是现在我华语进步了不少，哈哈。。 那么久了， 才真正的懂意思。。 不！！ 应该说发生在身上才懂歌词的意思。。 哈哈。。

我experiment了很久， 才看得懂， 原来我就像副歌里面所说的。。不能否认， 最近我眼睛很容易湿， 很容易流泪。。 那是痛苦， 感动， 还是不舍得呢？ 3个都有啦， 哈哈。。 也许外人不会明白我的困难， 因为他们更本不会了解我所面对的压力。。这次带出的刺语， 还不是一样的意思吗？ 还不是一样要我“想清楚”吗？

哪怕爱要冰凉了，至少让回忆是暖的，了解比爱难多了，我们都尽力了。。我为什么会放弃， 我为什么会退步？全世界不明白， 无所谓。。 只要你一个明白， 我已经很开心了 :) 爱冰凉了， 有原因的。。 说出来， 你们会明白吗？ 还是不说了， 哈哈。。

以前每一次挥手， 都为了再握手。。 但这一次， 是为了放手。。以前每一次去他家，玩的很开心。。的确是为了再握手。。可是现在， 我还有这个机会吗？ 的确没有。。 因为放手了！！ 开心了吗？ 满意了吗?

我要回到儿童乐园。。。

当我在上个星期的ai.fm节目里听到红蜻蜓这首歌， 就让我想起童年时候。。怀念我小时候的生活。。 那种没烦恼没压力的生活， 哈哈。。

和我玩皮却又可爱的学生们已有半年了。。 他们不只受教导， 反而也多多少少的让我从他们身上学习了很多做人的道理。。小孩子就是小孩子， 只懂得玩。。 除了考试做功课， 其他事情是kacang putih 了 :p

他们不会明白出外的危险，家人的吵闹，工作的压力， 甚至爱情的复杂。。我有一次听到一个十岁的小孩， 当他父母在吵架时， 就很天真可又很像大人的样子去问他两老“你们是不是吃饱没事情做？吵吵闹闹！！这样小小的事情，祷告啦！！”

很烦！！很累！！很显！！ 我要回到儿童乐园。。 因为做个小孩子，真的不必有工作，家庭和爱情的烦恼。。

Falling in love??

If falling in love means hurting the other person in the process, I’d rather not fall in love ever again. If falling in love merely means breaking hearts, including that of my own, I’d rather not fall in love ever again.

I know no one is perfect, but then again, I can’t deny the fact that I am even more imperfect because of an obvious disability. Perhaps I will never be good enough for a physically perfect partner. I finally know what I want.

If it is right for me to give my heart away, I want to give it to the right person. If my first choice was never the right one to begin with in the eyes of other people, then my other choices following the first one will never be right.

Therefore, I promise not to fall in love again, unless I can be sure I will never break an innocent heart again. It is tough, I know, but it would be better than cracking a hole in that innocent little heart, and striving to mend it again.

Comparisons...

I don’t deny the fact that I have made comparisons many many times in my life. Comparisons of things and situations in my life with that of others. Others live a life that I am envious of. More often than not, I get feedbacks that are to the contrary. Just a few days back, as I was chatting with a close friend about life as a disabled, I found out that she also had an envious feeling towards me for the things I had that she did not have.

I know he cares a lot for me, but unfortunately, I have hurt him time and again :-( I know the reason why I made such a decision… I know what I want… I do not wish to be hurt, but I have hurt him yet again :-( I couldn’t help it but went emo again after the msn conversation with Ling Lee…琳荔， 别笑我没用哦， 呵呵。。

Finally, some friends began to get the picture of my living life with family. Not that I am not appreciative or complaining. Just that I want some space to do certain things the way I feel comfortable. Comparisons about living with and without family, comparisons about the treatments from different groups of people, be it family, friends or even outsiders… Haih… I just wish I wouldn’t be so helpless… Gosh, I feel the tears again :-(

Friends just tell me to pray, pray and pray more… and most importantly hang on to God, never give up… I have to bare myself to say that whenever it comes to this particular issue or subject, I feel spiritually dry :-( I don’t see where the improvement is when all they do is “reject” my guy friends whom I am close to… not for any other reason except the obvious fact that they are OKUs. What the crap? Why the bloody discrimination? What comparisons can you make between a disabled and a non disabled? How much better can you guarantee that a non disabled be compared to a disabled?

What is all this shit? 琳荔， 你说我好幸福， 你羡慕我。。 以后不要再羡慕我了哦， 因为我所面对的完全和你相反， 呵呵。。

怎么会这样？？

一直的对自己说要坚强，　要坚强。。　可是我再次失败了。。　昨晚上了床过后，　眼泪一直流的不停。。　他告诉我说昨天（也就是拜6）他和琳荔他们要聚会，　问我要不要一起。。　我很辛苦！！　好累！！　我到底几时才能有自己自由的生活呢？　尤其是交朋友方面。。　怎么会这样？　连交朋友也要紧紧的控制我？　我很想答应他，　可是却很怕家人会再反对。。为什么？

我好辛苦！！　表面上，　我给人家看到坚强的我，　使得他们信任我而把心事说给我听，　让我可以和他们分担问题。。　可是我自己所面对的问题，　又有谁能和我分担呢？　最近，　我时常都会胡思乱想，　时常都会湿眼。。　有谁会了解我？　找来找去，　也不是那几位残障朋友。。真的谢谢你们。。 我相信没有其他人能够清楚的了解残障人士的感受， 除非他们自己也体会过身体有残缺的这种的感受。。

不知自己为何最近那么敏感。。　动不动就小气。。　动不动就很想哭。。怎么会这样？　还记得那天琳荔说，　她看得出我的 “persistence”。。 她说我很坚强的坚持到底。。 说到她， 我真的很佩服她。。虽然我们认识不久， 相处不多， 可是只要我和她一起的时候， 她可以让我觉得很轻松， 完全没有压力。。 不必假装， 不必逃避自己。。

另外， 我20年的愿望已经实现了。。 虽然不是亲哥哥， 可是只要你能明白了解我， 我有心事时， 你做我的听众， 有眼泪时借我肩膀。。 我就会很感激你了。。 哥， 谢谢你！！至于“怎么会这样”这个问题呢。。 只有上帝才能给我真确的答案。。 希望“怎么会这样”会跟着时间而飘过。。 迎接一个美好的答案来。。

Taking second alternatives??

[cofee & choc? weee~~~
pic taken during a Malaysia Methodist Church seminar while we were at Beautiful Gate staff retreat. having listen to a speech wholly in mandarin, I got restless and started meddling with the cam during the 2nd half of the 1st day, haha... that was reason enough why we insisted on the table at the back, considering some of em fell asleep during the seminar, wahaha xP 福平和据顺。。 贿赂我吧。。 哈哈哈]

I’m sorry!! This was not what I imagined it turned out to be… I thought I wouldn’t mind all that. Indeed, I did not mind, and would not mind. But influences from the “outside world” really break my heart, and I find myself saying sorry yet again :-(

Fervent promises were made back then. Adamant to keep ’em. Strong headed to stand firm. But now I find no choice but to put on a mask to the promises once made. Am I allowed to take an alternative route? I know I have “sinned”, but it is never done on purpose. I thought I would not succumb, but I sinfully failed. I just wished I need not have to say that “my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.”

It’s just a wonder how I can be so transparent to bare my heart to Wei in just a 3-minute conversation on msn. Within just those 3 minutes, I found myself grasping for the tissue box, and silently longing for a hug and an available shoulder. I played with fire, got burnt.

Second alternatives? Indeed there is one alternative waiting for me to venture into, but am I willing? I know it would hurt you because I know how you feel but I definitely cannot bear to impose more discrimination and add prejudice to the already existing ones. Think, look, see and scrutinize.

勇气。。 我需要的是勇气。。真的好感激那一群残障朋友的支持。。虽然只是那么短短的在ym写下“我给你勇气”来回复我， 可是这些动作对我来说就是最重要的。。 因为就代表还有人能够体谅明白我的。。 谢谢你们 :-* 谢谢你们这一年里那么热心的接受我成为你们的一分子 :)

WHAT IS FAITH??

I may very well have Hebrews 11:1 at the tip of my fingers, but do I really grasp the meaning & significance of it? People say I am stupid, stubborn (固执) and whatever else they hurled at me, but who are they to question my faith? I had a reason for doing what I did.

I arrived church that Saturday evening, on my electric wheelchair, a friend accompanied me on his bike :p it was super gloomy early on that day, threatening to pour... My students knew of my intentiion to go to church that day, so they were feeding me with negative remarks about the gloomy weather... All the more I started praying and nullifying the dark clouds. I left Beautiful Gate, after my class, with prayers that the rain will be held back until I stepped into church grounds. Miraculously, God did just that for me ;)
p/s: What is more funny is that it rained cats and dogs only after I entered church grounds, and continued raining throughout the service... and stopped when it was time to get home ;)

Why did the Bible explain Hebrews 11:1 the way it did? What does it really mean by “… a substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen” What then, is faith? I trusted Him, and He answered my prayers, woohoo... Indeed, He is a Beautiful Saviour, a God of all majesty!! My God of majesty just held back the rain for me to be able to be in His house... Is it coincidentally that this song was being sung that day? I dont think so ;)

Beautiful Saviour lyrics & chords here

I really like and admire Pastor Daniel for his mountain-moving faith, seriously!! Imagine a thanksgiving dinner in an uncovered, wide-open space when you know that the weather can unpredictably bring rain. Pastor, you the man... Wahaha xP and I know you were irritated and upset that we of little faith left the dinner halfway thru when it started only drizzling :p kekeke..

The rainbow above Dream Centre, God's covenant to us ~~ 23 March, Sunday (easter)

Out of the teabag...

残缺也是一种美 by 黎胜平
Can que ye shi yi zhong mei (Disability is also a form of beauty)

记得家乡门口的那个女孩
Ji de jia xiang men kou de na ge nv hai　
一对膀子长短都不一样
Yi dui bang zi chang duan dou bu yi yang
走起路来终是一瘸一拐
Zou qi lu lai zhong shi yi que yi guai 　
说起话来 结巴没人爱
Shuo qi hua lai jie ba mei ren ai

街坊的小孩 终是嘲讽陷害
Jie fang de xiao hai zhong shi chao feng xian hai　
女孩无话 只能靜靜无奈
Nv hai wu hua zhi neng jing jing wu nai

** 外婆告诉我不可以笑她
Wai po gao su wo bu ke yi xiao ta
因为残缺也是一种美
Yin wei can que ye shi yi zhong mei
我看清晨女孩挽著衣篮摇摆
Wo kan qing chen nv hai huan zhe yi lan yao bai
从家门口渐渐走来
Cong jia men kou jian jian zou lai
那忍辱负重的步伐轻轻迈开
Na ren ru fu zhong de bu fa qing qing mai kai
坚毅善良的面庞　多么净白
Jian yi shan liang de mian pang duo me jing bai
我终于明白
Wo zhong yu ming bai

记得家乡门口的那个女孩
Ji de jia xiang men kou de na ge nv hai　
一对膀子长短都不一样
Yi dui bang zi chang duan dou bu yi yang
走起路来终是一瘸一拐
Zou qi lu lai zhong shi yi que yi guai 　
说起话来 结巴没人爱
Shuo qi hua lai jie ba mei ren ai

街坊的小孩 终是嘲讽陷害
Jie fang de xiao hai zhong shi chao feng xian hai　
女孩无话 只能靜靜无奈
Nv hai wu hua zhi neng jing jing wu nai

** 外婆告诉我不可以笑她　因为残缺也是一种美
Wai po gao su wo bu ke yi xiao ta
因为残缺也是一种美
Yin wei can que ye shi yi zhong mei
我看清晨女孩挽著衣篮摇摆
Wo kan qing chen nv hai huan zhe yi lan yao bai
从家门口渐渐走来
Cong jia men kou jian jian zou lai
那忍辱负重的步伐轻轻迈开
Na ren ru fu zhong de bu fa qing qing mai kai
坚毅善良的面庞　多么净白
Jian yi shan liang de mian pang duo me jing bai
我终于明白
Wo zhong yu ming bai

月亮不一定要圆满
Yue liang bu yi ding yao yuan man　
残缺也是一种美丽
Can que ye shi yi zhong mei li
人生不一定要拥有
Ren sheng bu yi ding yao yong you
享有也是一种福气　
Xiang you ye shi yi zhong fu qi
逆来顺受 化腐朽为神奇
Ni lai shun shou hua fu xiu wei shen qi
残缺生命 也能彩绘 出美丽的诗偈
Can que sheng ming ye neng cai hui chu me li de shi ji

我看清晨女挽着衣篮摇摆
Wo kan qing chen nv hai huan zhe yi lan yao bai
从家门口渐渐走来
Cong jia men kou jian jian zou lai
那忍辱负重的步伐轻轻的迈开
Na ren ru fu zhong de bu fa qing qing mai kai
坚毅善良的面庞　多么净白
Jian yi shan liang de mian pang duo me jing bai
我终于明白
Wo zhong yu ming bai

眼睛湿了。。 不懂为什么。。 其怪， 我又不太明白正首歌， 如何懂得它说什么呢？ 也有好几句都不太了解的。。 可是， 已经自然的被感动。。 也许东看一点西看一点， 大概的明白了。。加上福平哥的解释，这歌词变得更清楚了。。

最吸引我的一句就是那“月亮不一定要圆满” 与 “残缺生命 也能彩绘 出美丽的诗偈”

月亮不一定要圆满只因为这是神所赐的。。那，既然月亮的原装是圆可有时却不圆， 人一定要完美才算完美吗？　

残缺也是一种美。。 Oh yes, I finally bumped into someone who would really sincerely say this: Disability is also a form of beauty… Finally someone who would appreciate and be proud of me despite my disability… or I would also say because of my disability… It really does make a whole lot of difference, especially when the rest of the world insist of thinking otherwise… Haih…

It’s been a year since the trauma of another surgery, and it is a wonder how so much can change just within such a short time frame. I have changed, and I definitely know it. Because I am learning to accept reality and situations the way they are rather than forcing change to a natural mishaps… I am learning to love and accept myself for who I am, and not denying obvious facts…

I saw Chriselle coming from the opposite direction when on my way out after my hospital follow up … conversation topics change from one to another, and finally dwelled on my most recent “hotspot”… if she could sincerely tell me all that she saw about me, then why are the others giving me such a hard time? Didn’t Hebrews 11:1 tell us what faith is all about? And didn’t 1 Timothy 4:4 tell us that “… everything God created is good?”

Well, I am thankful for the company that chooses to see the best in me… I am thankful for the company that SEES the best in me… I am thankful for that same company that UNDERSTANDS and BELIEVES in me… I love you all, really!! 我们相信残障也是一种美， 因为只有我们才会体会到残障的生活方式。。

I don’t care if this doesn’t make any sense at all, as long as I release what I wanna release!! That’s one issue there, the other being that of the stupid fibroid, I mean the remainings inside my tummy… Grown from a 2 or 3cm to a 5 now, shit!! 放过我吧！！ 一次过那么多东西要烦。。 伤害自己又烦， 伤害别人又烦。。 啊。。。。。。。。。。。有时很难做人， 好多压力！！

And why is this post titled the way it is? Because a teabag has to be put in hot boiling water for the fragrance to come forth... Can I the say that I am the teabag in a pot of boiling trials and testings? Can I then understand the significance of 1 Corinthians 10:13?

p/s: ooh, btw... I went for the hospital appointment ALONE!!! Hahaha... But I guess some people just will not be able to appreciate that though... So sad... 我要证明给他们看， 我开始慢慢的不必依靠人了。。 可惜， 他们都看不见这一些的。。 因为他们的思想就是“她是残障， 好多东西做不到， 我还不能放手。。” 那和坐 xx 都没什么大分别了。。 好难呼吸。。 嗨。。

Please!! Put this teabag in a hotter hot water, haha...

The seasons of it all...

谁说坚强的人不流泪？ 就是因为知道自己伤害了人家却忍不住， 又哭了 :( 10 个月就这样的飞过。。 但一点的改变也不曾出现过。。 人生， 必须成长。。 必须坚强的面对生活中的每一个难关。。 也许， 这就是成长的一部分吧。。 可是， 这一切都是残障人士逃不过的考验。。 有时我真的很讨厌自己。。 为什么人家残障我也残障。。 人家可以成功的独立， 我偏偏还在控制之下 :( 那种感觉， 非常很难受。。

“You see me through the seasons… Cover me with Your hand… ”

感觉好像距离越来越大。。 有点失望。。 以为， 以为。。 全部都是以为！！ 我受够了！！ 美门就是我放轻松的地方， 因为可得到支持。。 原来， 外人也不算外人了。。 因为我们互相了解。。 反而， 令我失望的偏偏就是你 =(( 为什么？ 我很讨厌“歧视”这两个字！！ 请你放过我吧！！

“I’m carried in everlastin’ arms, You’ll never let me go…

我相信上帝有眼睛看到这一切。。明知我很辛苦， 为什么还让我苦下去？

...Through it all”

Sometimes mindsets can kill!!

演员A: 我知道你有什么都是为他好。。。 但是他现时已在社会做过事。。。 有了满足感， 有自己的想法。。。 你处处逼他， 他反抗只会越大。。。 你是不是想把他逼得做出反叛行为？

演员B: 我常向神祷告， 望他早日成长。。。 早日学会自立。。。 到他真的可以到那么远打工， 我又怕他越走越远， 想起来， 我自己觉得很矛盾。。。

这样的想法。。 如果是从一位非残障而来，那我觉得你更笨还没完全了解我们这一群残障人士。。 像我朋友所说的。。 How long can the parents be there to protect the child? What will happen to the child after the parents are no longer around?

拜托你！！ 除了这一句， 我真的无话可说了。。 真的拜托你。。 给我一点空间， 好马？It is only through managing his own needs that the child regains a sense of self-reliance and self-worth. That confidence will in turn empower him to take charge of his own life, be responsible for his own actions and learn to be independent.

如果你想法只有“恐惧，忧虑 和 疑惑”。。 那我可以大胆的告诉你， 我绝对学不到东西的。。 绝对没机会独立起来。。 我可以保证， 你绝对不会永远在我身边。。 到时， 我是否会变成你放不下的负担？We certainly cannot expect the child to suddenly grow up and fend for himself. There are skills that are required for activities of daily living and skills needed for living independently. These have to be learnt over a period of time.

现在， 因为他是个残障人士， 你担心我的安全。。 想想看， 如果我没有他， 到时你是否也一样会担心完全没有人照顾和陪伴我过生活？

Haih... Sometimes mindsets can kill...