Angry, frustrated, agitated. I feel so helpless. I feel so irritated with myself for feeling this way. Why? I know I shouldn’t be, but yet I am. Somehow I just can't help it. I just feel like I could break down emotionally any moment. It is my passion but yet I am unable and incapable of achieving it. How do I feed such a burning passion in me? Given a chance, I know pretty well that I would be performing it to my very best. But the fact is I am restricted from doing so. If I really wanted to, it will be at the expense of others. Would they be willing then to make that commitment just because I wanted to fulfill my own? There are so many things running in my head right now. I just haven’t been feeling my original self since a couple days back.
I have been at my lowest of lows since the retreat. I know I should have been recharged & re-energized after that 2-days break, but I just felt totally the opposite. I needed to let out. Although I couldn't reveal much of the details of what is going on in my head, it just feels good to have a friend in whom I can “bising” to. The first half of the day I had Alvin to let out on (although not every single detail), in whom I am truly grateful for. The other half of the day, I had a TOTAL RELEASE to my sis and everything started coming out. Frustrations I faced, and still facing, with someone. Irritation with the whole situation and how at the end of the day she told me that the conclusion of the whole issue may very well disappoint me. What if the very thing that I wanted was just not right for me? On the other hand, I may never know how God works and what interesting stuff He has in store for me. Am I ready for it if it EVER happens? Letting go of the old so that I can have space in my hands for the new?
Why do I feel this way? Why am I still holding on? I made so many promises only to see myself breaking it anyhow. What is the difference between the former and the latter? Which is more worth it? A short term present situation or a long term thing? Anyhow, I do appreciate the both of you for being there for me. Thanks, my dears. Especially to my sis. Hey, thanks for hearing me out. Thanks for seeing through me and pointing out the things that I don’t see in myself. I have to agree with you that I am what you described me to be just now, heh. Just hope that I will be “alright” soon. That I will be able to overcome the whole issue and snap into reality fast enough. You could say that I’ve been wasting too much time and emotions? *sigh*
2 comments:
Hey, I've been feeling the same way lately too..I'm also wondering whether to let go of the old and take the new. To let go of the past and start afreash but I do have a tremendous fear.. fear of the unknown.
But He spoke to me to get out of my comfort zone.. and just to TRuST in Him.. I'm still afraid but I guess I shall try with God's help to go thrugh the unknown with fear and trembling. As long as He is with me I guess things will seem less fearfull.
And yet I do seem restricted too in so many ways
(dunno whether u'll understand what i'm saying.. :P)
May God be with both of Us! :D
Hey :) Well, if u refering to my 1st paragraph, then i THINK it's a bit of a different thing la :p but if it's the 3rd paragraph, then it MIGHT be something similar.. i cant assume tho, hehe..
At least u CAN go out of ur comfort zone if u choose to when He calls.. Somehow, i cant, even if i wanted to :-/ thats wat makes me frust! We may both b restricted at the moment (altho in different ways) but i believe u will find ur "freedom" sooner than i do ;p
Yes *high five* may He be with both of us in times like these.. only He will undstand us TOTALLY! Hugs..
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