Falling in love??

If falling in love means hurting the other person in the process, I’d rather not fall in love ever again. If falling in love merely means breaking hearts, including that of my own, I’d rather not fall in love ever again.

I know no one is perfect, but then again, I can’t deny the fact that I am even more imperfect because of an obvious disability. Perhaps I will never be good enough for a physically perfect partner. I finally know what I want.

If it is right for me to give my heart away, I want to give it to the right person. If my first choice was never the right one to begin with in the eyes of other people, then my other choices following the first one will never be right.

Therefore, I promise not to fall in love again, unless I can be sure I will never break an innocent heart again. It is tough, I know, but it would be better than cracking a hole in that innocent little heart, and striving to mend it again.

Comparisons...

I don’t deny the fact that I have made comparisons many many times in my life. Comparisons of things and situations in my life with that of others. Others live a life that I am envious of. More often than not, I get feedbacks that are to the contrary. Just a few days back, as I was chatting with a close friend about life as a disabled, I found out that she also had an envious feeling towards me for the things I had that she did not have.

I know he cares a lot for me, but unfortunately, I have hurt him time and again :-( I know the reason why I made such a decision… I know what I want… I do not wish to be hurt, but I have hurt him yet again :-( I couldn’t help it but went emo again after the msn conversation with Ling Lee…琳荔， 别笑我没用哦， 呵呵。。

Finally, some friends began to get the picture of my living life with family. Not that I am not appreciative or complaining. Just that I want some space to do certain things the way I feel comfortable. Comparisons about living with and without family, comparisons about the treatments from different groups of people, be it family, friends or even outsiders… Haih… I just wish I wouldn’t be so helpless… Gosh, I feel the tears again :-(

Friends just tell me to pray, pray and pray more… and most importantly hang on to God, never give up… I have to bare myself to say that whenever it comes to this particular issue or subject, I feel spiritually dry :-( I don’t see where the improvement is when all they do is “reject” my guy friends whom I am close to… not for any other reason except the obvious fact that they are OKUs. What the crap? Why the bloody discrimination? What comparisons can you make between a disabled and a non disabled? How much better can you guarantee that a non disabled be compared to a disabled?

What is all this shit? 琳荔， 你说我好幸福， 你羡慕我。。 以后不要再羡慕我了哦， 因为我所面对的完全和你相反， 呵呵。。

怎么会这样？？

一直的对自己说要坚强，　要坚强。。　可是我再次失败了。。　昨晚上了床过后，　眼泪一直流的不停。。　他告诉我说昨天（也就是拜6）他和琳荔他们要聚会，　问我要不要一起。。　我很辛苦！！　好累！！　我到底几时才能有自己自由的生活呢？　尤其是交朋友方面。。　怎么会这样？　连交朋友也要紧紧的控制我？　我很想答应他，　可是却很怕家人会再反对。。为什么？

我好辛苦！！　表面上，　我给人家看到坚强的我，　使得他们信任我而把心事说给我听，　让我可以和他们分担问题。。　可是我自己所面对的问题，　又有谁能和我分担呢？　最近，　我时常都会胡思乱想，　时常都会湿眼。。　有谁会了解我？　找来找去，　也不是那几位残障朋友。。真的谢谢你们。。 我相信没有其他人能够清楚的了解残障人士的感受， 除非他们自己也体会过身体有残缺的这种的感受。。

不知自己为何最近那么敏感。。　动不动就小气。。　动不动就很想哭。。怎么会这样？　还记得那天琳荔说，　她看得出我的 “persistence”。。 她说我很坚强的坚持到底。。 说到她， 我真的很佩服她。。虽然我们认识不久， 相处不多， 可是只要我和她一起的时候， 她可以让我觉得很轻松， 完全没有压力。。 不必假装， 不必逃避自己。。

另外， 我20年的愿望已经实现了。。 虽然不是亲哥哥， 可是只要你能明白了解我， 我有心事时， 你做我的听众， 有眼泪时借我肩膀。。 我就会很感激你了。。 哥， 谢谢你！！至于“怎么会这样”这个问题呢。。 只有上帝才能给我真确的答案。。 希望“怎么会这样”会跟着时间而飘过。。 迎接一个美好的答案来。。

Taking second alternatives??

[cofee & choc? weee~~~
pic taken during a Malaysia Methodist Church seminar while we were at Beautiful Gate staff retreat. having listen to a speech wholly in mandarin, I got restless and started meddling with the cam during the 2nd half of the 1st day, haha... that was reason enough why we insisted on the table at the back, considering some of em fell asleep during the seminar, wahaha xP 福平和据顺。。 贿赂我吧。。 哈哈哈]

I’m sorry!! This was not what I imagined it turned out to be… I thought I wouldn’t mind all that. Indeed, I did not mind, and would not mind. But influences from the “outside world” really break my heart, and I find myself saying sorry yet again :-(

Fervent promises were made back then. Adamant to keep ’em. Strong headed to stand firm. But now I find no choice but to put on a mask to the promises once made. Am I allowed to take an alternative route? I know I have “sinned”, but it is never done on purpose. I thought I would not succumb, but I sinfully failed. I just wished I need not have to say that “my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.”

It’s just a wonder how I can be so transparent to bare my heart to Wei in just a 3-minute conversation on msn. Within just those 3 minutes, I found myself grasping for the tissue box, and silently longing for a hug and an available shoulder. I played with fire, got burnt.

Second alternatives? Indeed there is one alternative waiting for me to venture into, but am I willing? I know it would hurt you because I know how you feel but I definitely cannot bear to impose more discrimination and add prejudice to the already existing ones. Think, look, see and scrutinize.

勇气。。 我需要的是勇气。。真的好感激那一群残障朋友的支持。。虽然只是那么短短的在ym写下“我给你勇气”来回复我， 可是这些动作对我来说就是最重要的。。 因为就代表还有人能够体谅明白我的。。 谢谢你们 :-* 谢谢你们这一年里那么热心的接受我成为你们的一分子 :)

WHAT IS FAITH??

I may very well have Hebrews 11:1 at the tip of my fingers, but do I really grasp the meaning & significance of it? People say I am stupid, stubborn (固执) and whatever else they hurled at me, but who are they to question my faith? I had a reason for doing what I did.

I arrived church that Saturday evening, on my electric wheelchair, a friend accompanied me on his bike :p it was super gloomy early on that day, threatening to pour... My students knew of my intentiion to go to church that day, so they were feeding me with negative remarks about the gloomy weather... All the more I started praying and nullifying the dark clouds. I left Beautiful Gate, after my class, with prayers that the rain will be held back until I stepped into church grounds. Miraculously, God did just that for me ;)
p/s: What is more funny is that it rained cats and dogs only after I entered church grounds, and continued raining throughout the service... and stopped when it was time to get home ;)

Why did the Bible explain Hebrews 11:1 the way it did? What does it really mean by “… a substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen” What then, is faith? I trusted Him, and He answered my prayers, woohoo... Indeed, He is a Beautiful Saviour, a God of all majesty!! My God of majesty just held back the rain for me to be able to be in His house... Is it coincidentally that this song was being sung that day? I dont think so ;)

Beautiful Saviour lyrics & chords here

I really like and admire Pastor Daniel for his mountain-moving faith, seriously!! Imagine a thanksgiving dinner in an uncovered, wide-open space when you know that the weather can unpredictably bring rain. Pastor, you the man... Wahaha xP and I know you were irritated and upset that we of little faith left the dinner halfway thru when it started only drizzling :p kekeke..

The rainbow above Dream Centre, God's covenant to us ~~ 23 March, Sunday (easter)

Out of the teabag...

残缺也是一种美 by 黎胜平
Can que ye shi yi zhong mei (Disability is also a form of beauty)

记得家乡门口的那个女孩
Ji de jia xiang men kou de na ge nv hai　
一对膀子长短都不一样
Yi dui bang zi chang duan dou bu yi yang
走起路来终是一瘸一拐
Zou qi lu lai zhong shi yi que yi guai 　
说起话来 结巴没人爱
Shuo qi hua lai jie ba mei ren ai

街坊的小孩 终是嘲讽陷害
Jie fang de xiao hai zhong shi chao feng xian hai　
女孩无话 只能靜靜无奈
Nv hai wu hua zhi neng jing jing wu nai

** 外婆告诉我不可以笑她
Wai po gao su wo bu ke yi xiao ta
因为残缺也是一种美
Yin wei can que ye shi yi zhong mei
我看清晨女孩挽著衣篮摇摆
Wo kan qing chen nv hai huan zhe yi lan yao bai
从家门口渐渐走来
Cong jia men kou jian jian zou lai
那忍辱负重的步伐轻轻迈开
Na ren ru fu zhong de bu fa qing qing mai kai
坚毅善良的面庞　多么净白
Jian yi shan liang de mian pang duo me jing bai
我终于明白
Wo zhong yu ming bai

记得家乡门口的那个女孩
Ji de jia xiang men kou de na ge nv hai　
一对膀子长短都不一样
Yi dui bang zi chang duan dou bu yi yang
走起路来终是一瘸一拐
Zou qi lu lai zhong shi yi que yi guai 　
说起话来 结巴没人爱
Shuo qi hua lai jie ba mei ren ai

街坊的小孩 终是嘲讽陷害
Jie fang de xiao hai zhong shi chao feng xian hai　
女孩无话 只能靜靜无奈
Nv hai wu hua zhi neng jing jing wu nai

** 外婆告诉我不可以笑她　因为残缺也是一种美
Wai po gao su wo bu ke yi xiao ta
因为残缺也是一种美
Yin wei can que ye shi yi zhong mei
我看清晨女孩挽著衣篮摇摆
Wo kan qing chen nv hai huan zhe yi lan yao bai
从家门口渐渐走来
Cong jia men kou jian jian zou lai
那忍辱负重的步伐轻轻迈开
Na ren ru fu zhong de bu fa qing qing mai kai
坚毅善良的面庞　多么净白
Jian yi shan liang de mian pang duo me jing bai
我终于明白
Wo zhong yu ming bai

月亮不一定要圆满
Yue liang bu yi ding yao yuan man　
残缺也是一种美丽
Can que ye shi yi zhong mei li
人生不一定要拥有
Ren sheng bu yi ding yao yong you
享有也是一种福气　
Xiang you ye shi yi zhong fu qi
逆来顺受 化腐朽为神奇
Ni lai shun shou hua fu xiu wei shen qi
残缺生命 也能彩绘 出美丽的诗偈
Can que sheng ming ye neng cai hui chu me li de shi ji

我看清晨女挽着衣篮摇摆
Wo kan qing chen nv hai huan zhe yi lan yao bai
从家门口渐渐走来
Cong jia men kou jian jian zou lai
那忍辱负重的步伐轻轻的迈开
Na ren ru fu zhong de bu fa qing qing mai kai
坚毅善良的面庞　多么净白
Jian yi shan liang de mian pang duo me jing bai
我终于明白
Wo zhong yu ming bai

眼睛湿了。。 不懂为什么。。 其怪， 我又不太明白正首歌， 如何懂得它说什么呢？ 也有好几句都不太了解的。。 可是， 已经自然的被感动。。 也许东看一点西看一点， 大概的明白了。。加上福平哥的解释，这歌词变得更清楚了。。

最吸引我的一句就是那“月亮不一定要圆满” 与 “残缺生命 也能彩绘 出美丽的诗偈”

月亮不一定要圆满只因为这是神所赐的。。那，既然月亮的原装是圆可有时却不圆， 人一定要完美才算完美吗？　

残缺也是一种美。。 Oh yes, I finally bumped into someone who would really sincerely say this: Disability is also a form of beauty… Finally someone who would appreciate and be proud of me despite my disability… or I would also say because of my disability… It really does make a whole lot of difference, especially when the rest of the world insist of thinking otherwise… Haih…

It’s been a year since the trauma of another surgery, and it is a wonder how so much can change just within such a short time frame. I have changed, and I definitely know it. Because I am learning to accept reality and situations the way they are rather than forcing change to a natural mishaps… I am learning to love and accept myself for who I am, and not denying obvious facts…

I saw Chriselle coming from the opposite direction when on my way out after my hospital follow up … conversation topics change from one to another, and finally dwelled on my most recent “hotspot”… if she could sincerely tell me all that she saw about me, then why are the others giving me such a hard time? Didn’t Hebrews 11:1 tell us what faith is all about? And didn’t 1 Timothy 4:4 tell us that “… everything God created is good?”

Well, I am thankful for the company that chooses to see the best in me… I am thankful for the company that SEES the best in me… I am thankful for that same company that UNDERSTANDS and BELIEVES in me… I love you all, really!! 我们相信残障也是一种美， 因为只有我们才会体会到残障的生活方式。。

I don’t care if this doesn’t make any sense at all, as long as I release what I wanna release!! That’s one issue there, the other being that of the stupid fibroid, I mean the remainings inside my tummy… Grown from a 2 or 3cm to a 5 now, shit!! 放过我吧！！ 一次过那么多东西要烦。。 伤害自己又烦， 伤害别人又烦。。 啊。。。。。。。。。。。有时很难做人， 好多压力！！

And why is this post titled the way it is? Because a teabag has to be put in hot boiling water for the fragrance to come forth... Can I the say that I am the teabag in a pot of boiling trials and testings? Can I then understand the significance of 1 Corinthians 10:13?

p/s: ooh, btw... I went for the hospital appointment ALONE!!! Hahaha... But I guess some people just will not be able to appreciate that though... So sad... 我要证明给他们看， 我开始慢慢的不必依靠人了。。 可惜， 他们都看不见这一些的。。 因为他们的思想就是“她是残障， 好多东西做不到， 我还不能放手。。” 那和坐 xx 都没什么大分别了。。 好难呼吸。。 嗨。。

Please!! Put this teabag in a hotter hot water, haha...

The seasons of it all...

谁说坚强的人不流泪？ 就是因为知道自己伤害了人家却忍不住， 又哭了 :( 10 个月就这样的飞过。。 但一点的改变也不曾出现过。。 人生， 必须成长。。 必须坚强的面对生活中的每一个难关。。 也许， 这就是成长的一部分吧。。 可是， 这一切都是残障人士逃不过的考验。。 有时我真的很讨厌自己。。 为什么人家残障我也残障。。 人家可以成功的独立， 我偏偏还在控制之下 :( 那种感觉， 非常很难受。。

“You see me through the seasons… Cover me with Your hand… ”

感觉好像距离越来越大。。 有点失望。。 以为， 以为。。 全部都是以为！！ 我受够了！！ 美门就是我放轻松的地方， 因为可得到支持。。 原来， 外人也不算外人了。。 因为我们互相了解。。 反而， 令我失望的偏偏就是你 =(( 为什么？ 我很讨厌“歧视”这两个字！！ 请你放过我吧！！

“I’m carried in everlastin’ arms, You’ll never let me go…

我相信上帝有眼睛看到这一切。。明知我很辛苦， 为什么还让我苦下去？

...Through it all”